Three parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot to the left costs $500.” “Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, “That one costs $2,000.” Needless to say this begs the question, “What can IT do?” The owner replies “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!” Three parrots

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Топик The President of the United States - Президент Соединенных Штатов

The President of the United States Do you want to be President of the United States of America? Maybe you can apply for the post. Answer these three questions. Are you a US citizen? Are you thirty-five years old or older? Have you been a resident of the United States for fourteen years or longer? Did you say "yes" to all three questions? Then you can take the first steps to the White House. You become President for a term. A term is four years. You can only serve two terms. This means that you can only be President twice. This law was adopted in 1951. Before that the law was different. In fact, Franklin D. Roosevelt became President in 1933. He was still President when he died in 1945. He was President for twelve years. No one was President longer than he was. As President of the United States, you earn $200,000 a year. You also get an extra $50,000 for expenses, tax free. You have your own limousine, jet, and housekeepers, all free. You also live rent free, in the White House in Washington, D. C. And you are the head of the richest country in the world. Presidents of the United States were people of very different professions. Twenty-two were lawyers, four - soldiers, four - farmers, four - teachers, two - writers, two - businessmen, one - engineer, one - tailor, and one - actor. Eight of them did not have a college education! [ перевод ] Президент Соединенных Штатов Вы хотите стать президентом Соединенных Штатов Америки? Возможно вы можете претендовать на пост. Ответьте на эти три вопроса. Вы - американский гражданин? Вам - тридцать пять лет или больше? Вы были постоянным жителем Соединенных Штатов в течение четырнадцати лет или дольше? Вы ответили «да» на все три вопроса? Тогда вы можете сделать первые шаги к Белому дому. Вы становитесь президентом на срок. Срок составляет четыре года. Вы можете отслужить только два срока. Это означает, что вы можете стать президентом только дважды. Этот закон был принят в 1951 г. До этого закон был другим. Фактически, Франклин Д. Рузвельт стал президентом в 1933 г. Он все еще был президентом, когда он умер в 1945 г. Он был президентом в течение двенадцати лет. Никто не был президентом дольше, чем был он. Как президент Соединенных Штатов, вы зарабатываете $200000 год. Вы также получаете дополнительные $50000  на расходы без налога. У вас есть свой собственный лимузин, самолет и домоправительницы, все бесплатно. Вы также живете не выплачивая арендной платы в Белом доме в Вашингтоне, округ Колумбия. И вы - глава самой богатой страны в мире. Президенты Соединенных Штатов были людьми совершенно разных профессий. Двадцать два были адвокатами, четыре - солдатами, четыре - фермерами, четыре - учителями, два - писателями, два - бизнесменами, один - инженер, один - портной, и один - актер. У восьми из них не было образования колледжа!

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Exciting news

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.” Exciting news

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Топик My Favourite Artist - Мой любимый художник

My Favourite Artist Pictorial art is one of my favourite types of art. I have been to many museums and galleries where there were art exhibitions. I should say I had a great time. From one hand I’ve managed to see some of the best and world-famous paintings, from the other hand it was very informative and useful for me. Now I can tell my friends a lot about art, and I will certainly recommend them to visit the Tretyakov Gallery and the Pushkin Museum in Moscow. Both these museums impressed me a lot. I spent nearly a day in each of them examining the works of art. One thing I understood that there a number of paintings which I like more than the others, and those paintings happened to be by famous artist Ivan Aivazovsky. In my opinion, he is a great artist and his vision of seas and oceans is wonderful. He is a seascape painter, which means that most of his works were sea landscapes. He is also considered to be one of the greatest seascape artists of all times. Aivazovsky was born in Crimea where he spent most of his life. This might be the reason why he chose to draw sea scenery. Crimea is washed by two seas: the Black Sea and the Azov Sea. So, these landscapes were native to him. One of his especially beautiful pictures I’ve remembered is “Stormy Sea”. I think he was very gifted to draw such pictures. The majority of his works is placed in the Museum of Aivazovsky in his home town Feodosiya. His most famous picture “The Ninth Wave” is also there. I wish I could see all his pictures some day, as I only saw the ones which are kept in Tretyakov Gallery. [ перевод ] Мой любимый художник Изобразительное искусство является одним из моих любимых видов искусства. Я побывал во многих музеях и галереях, где были художественные выставки. Должен сказать, что я прекрасно провел время. С одной стороны, мне удалось увидеть некоторые из самых лучших и всемирно известных картин, с другой стороны, это было очень информативно и полезно для меня. Сейчас я могу рассказать своим друзьям многое об искусстве, и я обязательно порекомендую им посетить Третьяковскую галерею и Пушкинский музей в Москве. Оба эти музея произвели на меня большое впечатление. Я провел почти день в каждом из них, изучая произведения искусства. Я понял одну вещь, что есть ряд картин, которые мне нравятся больше, чем другие, и оказалось, что это картины известного художника Ивана Айвазовского. На мой взгляд, он великий художник и его видение морей и океанов замечательно. Он маринист, что обозначает, что большинство его произведений это морские пейзажи. Он также считается одним из величайших художников морского пейзажа всех времен. Айвазовский родился в Крыму, где он провел большую часть своей жизни. Это может быть послужило причиной тому, что он решил рисовать морской пейзаж. Крым омывается водами двух морей: Черного моря и Азовского моря. Таким образом, эти пейзажи являются для него родными. Мне запомнилась одна из его особенно красивых картин - "Бурное море". Я думаю, что он был очень одаренным, чтобы рисовать такие картины. Большинство его работ находится в музее Айвазовского в его родном городе Феодосии. Его самая известная картина "Девятый вал" тоже там. Я хотел бы увидеть все его картины в один прекрасный день, так как я видел только те, которые хранятся в Третьяковской галерее. Gocek — picturesque place in Turkey

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Reincarnation

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up. He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”. James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!” St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated – but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?” “Never” replies James. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him – emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever! The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!” Reincarnation

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Письмо с предолжением встречи в Москве

Письмо с предолжением встречи в Москве Dear Andrew, I shall be in Moscow for a couple of days next month, and I was wondering if we could meet together. It has been such a long time since we met and I am very anxious to hear how things are with you. What about Wednesday, May 15? If this would suit you I suggest we meet at the entrance to my hotel, which is "Metropol", at 14.00. Please let me know if this is convenient for you. Best regards, Tom [ перевод ] Дорогой Андрей! В следующем месяце я на пару дней собираюсь в Москву и подумал, что мы можем встретиться. Мы не виделись целую вечность, и меня очень беспокоит, как твои дела. Я предлагаю увидеться в среду, 15 мая. Давай встретимся у входа в мою гостиницу «Метрополь» в 14:00. Пожалуйста, сообщи, устраивает ли тебя такой вариант. C лучшими пожеланиями, Том The Moscow Kremlin

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Письмо любимой с просьбой о прощении

Письмо любимой с просьбой о прощении Svetlana, sweetheart, Please write and say you forgive me. It was all my fault that we quarreled. I am awfully sorry, about it. It's not that I don't love you, darling, but that I love you so much that my heart rather than my head is my master. Say you still love me as I adore you, for without your love I am a man without life. Adoringly yours, Alexander [ перевод ] Светлана, Любимая! Пожалуйста, напиши мне и скажи, что ты прощаешь меня. Это целиком моя вина в том, что мы поссорились, и я страшно переживаю. Дело не в том, что я не люблю тебя, дорогая, а в том, что я так тебя люблю, что мое сердце повелевает мною, а не мой рассудок. Скажи, что все еще любишь меня, я тебя обожаю. Без твоей любви я не могу жить. Любящий тебя, Александр

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Top Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

Be a Fundamentalist — make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will insure regularhilarity. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift — just for entering. So you are already a winner! The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don’t like the programming we’re getting, we can change the channel. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you –He’s just not ready to make a commitment. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you’re tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami’s Absurdiveness Training class: “Don’t get even, get odd.” If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That’s where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there’ll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you’re looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don’t dwell on it. There’s no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we’ll never have to change it again. If you’re looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is — there is no key to the Universe. The good news is — it has been left unlocked. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don’t like it, it’s not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So you don’t have to go through channels. Top Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

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