| Bank Teller |
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account”. “Please sir”, she replies, “we can’t have language like that in here.” “Why the Fuck not?” he asked. “Sir,” Came her retort, “I must ask you to refrain from swearing.” “I don’t give a shit what you want,” he answers, “I just want to open a fucking checking account.” With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. “Shit yes”, came the reply, “I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account.” The branch manager says, “I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?”
Bank Teller
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| Смотреть далее | 17.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Tiger Woods |
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”
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| Смотреть далее | 16.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Fart to The Beat |
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down and thats when you realize you have been listening to your iPod.
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| Смотреть далее | 15.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Eye Exam |
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The guy replies, “Why Doc? Am I going blind?”
The doctor says, “No, but you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.”
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| Смотреть далее | 14.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| My winter holidays — Мои зимние каникулы |
My winter holidays — Мои зимние каникулы
Every year I have winter holidays. They usually last for two weeks. Holidays give me the opportunity not to get up early in the morning, so I sleep till 9 o’clock. When the weather is cold, I prefer to stay at home and read something interesting, play computer games or surf Internet. As I spend lots of time at home, I have to help my mother with cooking or cleaning. In the evening I usually visit my friends or go out with them to the cinema or cafе. My hobby is mountain skiing, so when the weather is fine I go skiing. When I come back home I am usually very tired and go to sleep after supper. Of course, winter holidays are not so long and joyful as summer holidays, but in any case winter holidays is the time of rest.
[ перевод ]
Каждый год у меня есть зимние каникулы. Они обычно длятся две недели. Каникулы дают мне возможность не вставать очень рано, поэтому я сплю до 9 часов. Когда на улице холодно, я предпочитаю оставаться дома и почитать что-нибудь интересное, поиграть в компьютерные игры или посидеть в Интернете. Поскольку я провожу много времени дома, мне приходится помогать маме с приготовлением обеда или уборкой. Вечерами я обычно хожу в гости к друзьям или мы вместе идем в кино или кафе. Мое хобби – горные лыжи, поэтому, когда на улице хорошая погода, я еду кататься. Когда я приезжаю домой, обычно я очень уставший, поэтому иду спать сразу после ужина. Конечно, зимние каникулы не такие длинные и веселые, как летние, но в любом случае – это время отдыха.
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| Смотреть далее | 13.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| The big shot |
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replied, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
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| Смотреть далее | 13.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| 2+2 |
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “How much is 2+2?”
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02.”
The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
The attorney stated, “In the case of Stevenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”
The accountant looked at the business owner, got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door, and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?
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| Смотреть далее | 12.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Quotes from Stupid |
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
“That race was all about competition.” – David Coleman, ITV
“And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us.” – Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What’s the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? – BBC Radio 1
“Marling – unbeaten in her three victories.”
Peter O’Sullivan, BBC2 TV: “Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.”
James Hunt, BBC2 TV: “A church spire nestling among the trees…there’s probably a church there too.” – Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
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| Смотреть далее | 10.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
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